…turns out to be a lot longer than 12.x miles. And way longer than 11.5 miles.

But I did it! I completed the entire San Francisco Marathon First-half course, and I didn’t die or sustain grievous injuries doing it!

I decided early on, and then confirmed my decision recently, not to set a time goal. However, back when I was considering setting a time goal, it would have been 2:30. I subconsciously must have been working to that goal, because I ended up finishing in 2:35. Under a 12-minute mile, which was what I was hoping for on my first big run, and a run that is so hilly. And if I hadn’t had to wait in line 4 minutes for a restroom, it would have been even better!

Actually finishing, while not any enormous surprise, certainly involved experiences I hadn’t been expecting. When I hit the 10-mile mark I was really excited. Then there was a big hill.

At some point I started getting teary – my right side was spasming, my hip felt like it was on fire, and my back was killing me. I slowed up a bit, took it easy and tried to relax on a big downhill, and thanks to my efforts at self-distraction and the power of music I managed to get my mind off it long enough for the pain to subside so that I could keep going.

Passing the 13-mile marker, I got choked up. There were people cheering all over the place, and most of them were there “for” somebody else, but they were there for me too, kind of, and that was really a bolstering thought.

And then I realized, hey, I’m really going to finish this thing. For all the times I was nauseous, in pain, or just wanted to stop, I kept going, and before I knew it (haha, as if you could just tune out running 13 miles) I was approaching the finish line. And according to my watch, I crossed the finish line at 10:30/mile, which was way faster than my overall average pace – I really pulled out the stops to be running across the finish. When I finally stopped running, I almost cried from the stopping, the pain, and the overwhelming “I DID IT” feeling.

And then I got very, very cold. Wrapped myself up in a heat sheet, got some snacks, and called Ben over from Vesuvio, where he’d been passing the morning with scotch and strangers, to pick me up.

My results don’t compare well to the overall results for women, and I wish I didn’t care. I’m a little disappointed. But what the hell, I’m telling myself. I finished this thing! Next time, I can plan to do better.

This time, I just need to celebrate having done it.

I’ve returned to running – not just for fitness, but as some may know, I am training for the San Francisco (Half) Marathon.

I stopped running last fall, discouraged by a complete stall in my weight loss and then encouraged by the better weight loss results AFTER I reduced the amount of workout in my regimen. Recently, for reasons unrelated to anything but circumstance and emotion, I put back on a few pounds, and only just before deciding to run the SF Half had regained my focus and motivation.

It’s been more than a month now, running according to a training plan, and I am stunned to report that while I haven’t lost any substantial weight, the physical results are not only visible but pretty impressive. (Did you know I had abdominal muscles in there?)

As previously noted, the numbers on the scale crept upward. However, it was a momentary thing, for a period of adjustment.  My body can do some pretty awesome stuff, things I never would have expected of it a few weeks ago, but that doesn’t change that on the inside I am still someone who is looking to get healthier and lose weight, and I’m accustomed to progress as charted by decreasing scale-weight.

I’m starting to see those results again, which is bracing; making it through the early weeks where I was receiving feedback that made me feel uncomfortable with myself, to arrive at the results that science, medicine and running-training conventional wisdom told me I should see with time is a worthwhile lesson for me to have learned.

The half-marathon is on July 26 – two months from now.  That means regular training for the next two months.  When I’m pushing out 14 mile training runs, I imagine that I will finish those days feeling quite accomplished.  (I did a 7.75 mile run a few weekends ago on accident – made a wrong turn in an unfamiliar neighborhood – and was rather chuffed with myself.)   However, when I put on my jeans and they are snugger than expected the next day, this sort of conflicting information is confusing and disappointing.

How do I resolve pride in my body’s functionality with dissatisfaction in its image?

Right now I’m resolving it with the knowledge that, with time, I will achieve my goals.  With proper nutrition and an healthy willingness to rest as necessary, my body will perform the way I want it to.  However, since I’ve prioritized my health and performance above my appearance for the purposes of this marathon, I have to accept that it may take me longer to get back into the clothes I really want to be wearing.  That’s ok, because when I get there, I plan to stay a good long time.