CherylKatz.org

My last post was kind of an angsty cry, whereas this one is the honest truth - breastfeeding is over.  She still makes her “nursing” sign, but now when she does it it seems to mean, “cuddle me.”

I get a ton more random cuddles.  Sami will now sit through an entire book from front to back cover with me - she never did that before, always with Ben and other people.  I guess now that I’m more than just cuddly boobs, she can find the time.  She eats a ton more.  It seems like she sleeps better, though don’t talk to me about that right now….* And she is bonding with Ben a little bit more.  I’d be jealous, but she bonds with me just as much, and each of us differently.

My little girl is growing up.

I still feel weird.  This is the first week of my life with no nursing since the day Sami was born.  It’s just slightly shocking.  She doesn’t need me for anything she couldn’t also get from Ben at this point.  She uses her pacifier a little more heavily now and is more reluctant to leave it at home or in the car when we go to school, but I imagine this will pass, and she isn’t even 2 years old yet.  She’ll give up the binks eventually.

In terms of my adjustment, I’m a little sad.  Very proud.  I’ve lost a few extra pounds since the last time we nursed, I guess nursing forces my body to hang on to reserve weight just in case?  That’s the theory I’m going on.  And I’m shrinking from D cup, which is sad but to be expected.  Emotionally I’m in balance, so that’s the good part.  I’ve been a little touchy but nothing that won’t pass with a few more weeks.  I’m focusing on the massive lingerie shopping trip I’ll get to do when I’m sure my cup size has stabilized, and not on the fact that my baby doesn’t need the girls any more.

I was going to say “In other news…” but I can’t think of any other news that isn’t on another topic entirely.  So I’ll wrap up and post on another topic another time.

In sum - it’s done.

* For the first time in for EVER, despite being absolutely exhausted from the heat and all the climbing and playing, Sami would not go to sleep.  She cried and cried and cried and asked for Mommy, until finally I went back in there and lay down on the bed - with her in her crib.  As soon as I lay down, she did the same.  I lay there for who only knows how long, and then peeked over at her. She waved.  I put my head back down for a while.  Tried to get up, nope, not ready.  Finally I told her it’s time to sleep.  Call me if you need me.  Love you.  Here’s tuck-tuck and blanky.  THEN she lay down, curled up and not another peep out of her for the evening so far.  That was really fun.  Hope we can do it again sometime.

The last time Sami nursed was Thursday evening (June 26.) It could happen again, but it’s not likely.

Wow. I’m really still processing this.

I haven’t discussed this much, but Sami’s nursing schedule has been steadily waning.  We’d been down to two times a day for a month or two, but lately I decided that I’d rather get her full on something that will hold her until snack time at school; after nursing she’s too full to eat breakfast, but gets hungry way before snack time.

So before her morning nursing, I’ve been telling her we need to eat our breakfast first.  This has been successful, and in the last week she even gets so distracted with washing the oatmeal off her hands and chest and then getting on with preparing to go to school, she forgets about nursing altogether.  So effectively for the last week we’ve been once every day, about half way between dinner and bedtime, but always after dinner.  Basically any time she asks to nurse at this point, I counter offer a snack of fruit or cheese, and most of the time she takes it.  The evening is the only time she doesn’t accept my terms.

On Friday she didn’t nurse at all, the first day in her entire life that she didn’t.  Until we got home from shopping and Sami finished her dinner yesterday, I was convinced that perhaps she had just decided to be done.  Nope, after that she politely requested to nurse, and was fully determined, so of course I complied.

I don’t know how to describe this.  It’s not entirely child-directed, because I am suggesting to her that she eat her food first.  But it’s not entirely parent-directed because she certainly would voice objection to my suggestions if she had them.  She’s not a shy child in that regard.  I didn’t expect this to ramp down so rapidly, but I think Sami might be nearly ready.

Now I don’t know if *I* am ready.  Let’s examine the complicated emotional struggle:  On one hand I look forward to a day when Sami isn’t physically dependent on me to any greater extent than she is on Ben.  (There are always behavioural differences, I just mean in terms of what either of us can literally give her.)  On the other hand, because I have this physical advantage over Ben, biologically, I also have a special closeness with Sami and a totally special way of relating to her.  When we don’t nurse any more, sure I’d be able to go on solo trips if necessary and know that she won’t be missing anything at home with Ben, but will my relationship with her change?  Will she someday like cuddling as much as she likes nursing?  Is that how we’ll stay close while she’s still small?

I never realized how complicated my feelings would be about weaning.  I am at peace with the idea of nursing, since nutritionally breast milk is a supplement, not a necessity at this point.  I’ve passed on all the antibodies I probably will, and she is almost 2.  I’m completely comfortable with the length of nursing I’ve given her.  I know she’s got to stop eventually.

Except for Friday, she’s nursed every day, at least once, since the day she was born.  I guess 21 months isn’t that long, but it practically feels like my entire life, too.  It’s just a huge phase of motherhood coming to an end, and it’ll take me some time to adjust.

Because of the fires in San Diego, our day care center was evacuated for proximity to the fire zone and for resulting air quality. I had my daughter with me for the entirety of last week.

I’m the only person in my department, so ultimately I had to bring her to work with me to at least complete the bare minimum of keeping-my-department-above-water tasks for the week. (Which, with a mobile one-year-old around, was about all I was able to accomplish with maximum effort.)

Normally Sami and I nurse only at night and in the morning. I nurse her when I pick her up from day care, after dinner, before bedtime, once in the night, and in the morning before we get ready to go. During the day she eats and drinks solid foods at day care, and from the reports I get, she is quite the little eating machine.

But on the weekends, when we are together practically nonstop, she is not as interested in solid foods. I still offer her regular meals and snacks, but she is more likely to chuck food on the floor and ask for nursies when I am around.

So my boobs are thinking something like this:

Monday! We’ve been making milk all weekend to keep up! Make lots and lots of milk! (Where did the demand go?)

Tuesday! Aaaahhhh… demand dropping off. OK, we’ll slow down production during the day. No problemo.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, blah blah blah.

Saturday! Arrrgggh! WTFBBQPhDMSBSQ! Where is all this demand coming from! Produce produce produce!

Sunday: Keep on chuggin.

Monday! We’ve been making milk all weekend to keep up! Make lots and lots of milk! (Where did the demand go?)

And so the cycle normally goes.

But with a week of constant togetherness, my milk production is pretty royally out of whack. So today is Wednesday. And it appears that my body is confused, because LAST wednesday we nursed all day. In fact, we nursed for pretty much nine days straight, through a cold, no day care, and a reduced solid food consumption. Getting back on our normal weekly roller coaster of nursing is proving to be difficult.

I know that it’s just time before my body catches on that things are back on more of an even keel. However, at 10 AM today I found myself hand expressing into a coffee mug, trying to find a balance between relieving the painful pressure and encouraging more milk production. I actually momentarily considered pumping milk to send to day care with Sami, but she really gets enough milk with the nursing we do all night and every morning. I fear she’ll be nursing until college if I don’t encourage her to eat big-girl foods when she is open to doing so, like at day care. Furthermore, pumping doesn’t ease my weekday oversupply problem, only exacerbates it.

So I will have to wait this one out.

I still maintain that there is nothing more disappointing to the mom of an exclusively breastfed baby than dumping liquid gold down the drain. It’s so hard to get up to production speed when the kidlet is first born; I’m still conditioned to feel as though every drop is sacred. With a toddler on the eventually-one-day-weaning track, I just have to get over that.