CherylKatz.org

I haven’t had much time or energy for blogging lately, which is making me feel a little frustrated and sad.  There are things I just won’t remember if I don’t put them here.

Today was really a lovely day.  Sami charmed me by playing peek-a-boo over the back of my dining room chair, and then patting her hand on my chest and saying, matter-of-factly, “Mama!”  Then she’d go over and declare Ben, “Dad-dee,” in similar fashion.

We went to dinner at Kazumi, and Sami hung monkeylike from the back of a high chair containing an 11 month old girl.  (I held the seat so it wouldn’t topple - both kids were, sadly, loving this.)  She was playing the peekaboo game with the little girl, and tickling her toes, and pointing out body parts helpfully.  “Elbow” is one of her newest ones.  She even gave nose-noses and kisses.  I was quite impressed.

On the way home, she repeated over and over, “Embee, embee,” as if I could forget that her sippy was empty.  It would be filled at home.

Days like today it’s not hard to remember why I love Sami, and forget all the ways that toddlers are frustrating.

When I picked Sami up yesterday, I had a raging stomach ache. I just was not feeling myself.

She was behaving a little waywardly, and on the way to the car decided she wanted to push buttons on the front door of the building, and wouldn’t follow me toward the parking lot.

I went over and picked her up, and explained to her, “Momma has a tummy ache.” I pointed at my belly and made a sad face. “Hurts. I need you to be nice to me.”

And so Sami pet me on the arm and the shoulder saying, “Niiiiiiiice. Niiiiiiiice,” and made a sad, serious, concerned and caring face.

I think I almost died just then. Luckily she was sweet and cuddly at home in between her raging tantrums. She kept me comfortable *and* grounded in reality.

In other news - Sami is saying things, and saying numbers of words together, that she wasn’t doing on Friday. It really does all change overnight.

Also, in case you’re missing pictures, well I’d post some, but every time I take out the camera I am greeted with a fat tantrum and grab for the camera. So it gets put away pretty quickly. And the picture I typically get to take is not a cute one. Though I may post it soon, anyway, just to share the proof.

That’s all for today. Life is good.

My last post was kind of an angsty cry, whereas this one is the honest truth - breastfeeding is over.  She still makes her “nursing” sign, but now when she does it it seems to mean, “cuddle me.”

I get a ton more random cuddles.  Sami will now sit through an entire book from front to back cover with me - she never did that before, always with Ben and other people.  I guess now that I’m more than just cuddly boobs, she can find the time.  She eats a ton more.  It seems like she sleeps better, though don’t talk to me about that right now….* And she is bonding with Ben a little bit more.  I’d be jealous, but she bonds with me just as much, and each of us differently.

My little girl is growing up.

I still feel weird.  This is the first week of my life with no nursing since the day Sami was born.  It’s just slightly shocking.  She doesn’t need me for anything she couldn’t also get from Ben at this point.  She uses her pacifier a little more heavily now and is more reluctant to leave it at home or in the car when we go to school, but I imagine this will pass, and she isn’t even 2 years old yet.  She’ll give up the binks eventually.

In terms of my adjustment, I’m a little sad.  Very proud.  I’ve lost a few extra pounds since the last time we nursed, I guess nursing forces my body to hang on to reserve weight just in case?  That’s the theory I’m going on.  And I’m shrinking from D cup, which is sad but to be expected.  Emotionally I’m in balance, so that’s the good part.  I’ve been a little touchy but nothing that won’t pass with a few more weeks.  I’m focusing on the massive lingerie shopping trip I’ll get to do when I’m sure my cup size has stabilized, and not on the fact that my baby doesn’t need the girls any more.

I was going to say “In other news…” but I can’t think of any other news that isn’t on another topic entirely.  So I’ll wrap up and post on another topic another time.

In sum - it’s done.

* For the first time in for EVER, despite being absolutely exhausted from the heat and all the climbing and playing, Sami would not go to sleep.  She cried and cried and cried and asked for Mommy, until finally I went back in there and lay down on the bed - with her in her crib.  As soon as I lay down, she did the same.  I lay there for who only knows how long, and then peeked over at her. She waved.  I put my head back down for a while.  Tried to get up, nope, not ready.  Finally I told her it’s time to sleep.  Call me if you need me.  Love you.  Here’s tuck-tuck and blanky.  THEN she lay down, curled up and not another peep out of her for the evening so far.  That was really fun.  Hope we can do it again sometime.

The last time Sami nursed was Thursday evening (June 26.) It could happen again, but it’s not likely.

Wow. I’m really still processing this.

I haven’t discussed this much, but Sami’s nursing schedule has been steadily waning.  We’d been down to two times a day for a month or two, but lately I decided that I’d rather get her full on something that will hold her until snack time at school; after nursing she’s too full to eat breakfast, but gets hungry way before snack time.

So before her morning nursing, I’ve been telling her we need to eat our breakfast first.  This has been successful, and in the last week she even gets so distracted with washing the oatmeal off her hands and chest and then getting on with preparing to go to school, she forgets about nursing altogether.  So effectively for the last week we’ve been once every day, about half way between dinner and bedtime, but always after dinner.  Basically any time she asks to nurse at this point, I counter offer a snack of fruit or cheese, and most of the time she takes it.  The evening is the only time she doesn’t accept my terms.

On Friday she didn’t nurse at all, the first day in her entire life that she didn’t.  Until we got home from shopping and Sami finished her dinner yesterday, I was convinced that perhaps she had just decided to be done.  Nope, after that she politely requested to nurse, and was fully determined, so of course I complied.

I don’t know how to describe this.  It’s not entirely child-directed, because I am suggesting to her that she eat her food first.  But it’s not entirely parent-directed because she certainly would voice objection to my suggestions if she had them.  She’s not a shy child in that regard.  I didn’t expect this to ramp down so rapidly, but I think Sami might be nearly ready.

Now I don’t know if *I* am ready.  Let’s examine the complicated emotional struggle:  On one hand I look forward to a day when Sami isn’t physically dependent on me to any greater extent than she is on Ben.  (There are always behavioural differences, I just mean in terms of what either of us can literally give her.)  On the other hand, because I have this physical advantage over Ben, biologically, I also have a special closeness with Sami and a totally special way of relating to her.  When we don’t nurse any more, sure I’d be able to go on solo trips if necessary and know that she won’t be missing anything at home with Ben, but will my relationship with her change?  Will she someday like cuddling as much as she likes nursing?  Is that how we’ll stay close while she’s still small?

I never realized how complicated my feelings would be about weaning.  I am at peace with the idea of nursing, since nutritionally breast milk is a supplement, not a necessity at this point.  I’ve passed on all the antibodies I probably will, and she is almost 2.  I’m completely comfortable with the length of nursing I’ve given her.  I know she’s got to stop eventually.

Except for Friday, she’s nursed every day, at least once, since the day she was born.  I guess 21 months isn’t that long, but it practically feels like my entire life, too.  It’s just a huge phase of motherhood coming to an end, and it’ll take me some time to adjust.

Some readers may laugh when I write this, but here goes:  I am simply not the girliest girl there is.  Not by a long shot.  Sure, I love me some cute dresses and shoes, but on a normal day you find me in jeans and a t-shirt, flip flops and probably just a smear of lip balm.

Imagine my surprise when I find my 21-month old daughter raiding my shoe rack.  She pulls out a pair of high heeled pumps and puts them on.  She picks up the purse her Grandma brought her (small bag for me = standard size shoulder bag for Sami) and slings it over her shoulder.  Then she walks - no, struts - down the hall to examine her ensemble in the full length bathroom mirror.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do not primp excessively in front of my child.  This is her inherent personality expressing itself.  As a mom, it is slightly terrifying.

So here is another slightly terrifying idea (and yet, so funny that I am sharing the link.)  When is too young to start your baby girl in heels?  Some would argue between birth and six months of age.  I can’t begin to tell you why this is terrifying.

Okay, I can begin to tell you.  First: Sami showed a propensity for admiring shoes well before 6 months.  Now she’s not even 2 and is showing an intense interest in heels.  So by providing my 0-6 month old infant with high heels, I’m showing her that high heels are normal and accepted shoes for little girls.  And I know that playing dress up is one thing.  That is going to happen.  But high heeled shoes of her own before she could even walk?  That might have happened over my dead body.

My saving grace at the moment is that Sami knows that heels are shoes for Momma. So they’re part of her imitation ritual.  Imitation and dress up are important activities and I think they’re OK.  She also seems to understand that when Sami needs shoes, HER shoes are the ones she should grab.  And she does.  I am not sure how I’ll handle it the first time Sami throws a fit because she really wants to wear my shoes.

I just hope that I have a long, long time to prepare for it.  Like maybe when she’s a teenager.

Lately I discovered gDiapers, and they seem like such a good idea that I wish I had known about them when Sami was tiny. They seem frankly perfect for San Diego - diapers that can be composted (if not dirty), flushed (if sewer line is not tree infested) or tossed in the trash! Unlike a regular diaper, they break down in under a hundred days, hence the compostability.

If only I’d known about these before going wholesale down the cloth route, I would have chosen gDiapers hands down. The water bills wouldn’t have balooned out of control. Cloth diapers are downright wasteful from a water standpoint! We wouldn’t have generated the trash we did for a while after the water bills became cloth-laundry-prohibitive. And I would have had probably four times the yummy compost to fertilize my garden when I planted last month.

I’m considering switching for the tail end of Sami’s diaper-wearing career. I’ll pretty immediately cut out the diaper trash, which will make me feel a lot better about what’s happening downstream from me. I doubt it will have much impact on Sami at all. And man, if we ever have another kid, I know how I plan to diaper.

One chopstick!

Originally uploaded by cinediva

I think she may have noticed that it doesn’t work as well with only one. But she still had a blast trying! I estimate that by age 4 she’ll be a natural with the chopsticks.

So here’s something I’m miffed about but deep down actually is a good thing:  I ordered Sami a new pair of shoes.  They were bigger than the pairs that don’t fit her and smaller than the pair she’s wearing now, which I thought were Way Too Big.

The new shoes arrive, and they are cute and pink and trainery and arrived in a teeny tiny child-size shoe box.  And they don’t fit her one bit.  I was able to wiggle her foot in there with no socks, but only just.  So, back to Piperlime they go, for a size exchange, and back to school Sami goes in the gold maryjane sneakers she’s been wearing.

So I’m miffed because now it’s more time before she can wear her pink sneaker cuteness, but deep down it’s a good thing because she is growing like a string bean and her feet are keeping up!

In other news… Sami has so much fun at school that she doesn’t want to come home.  I couldn’t even get her to come near me for a hug when I arrived to pick her up; she was waaaaaay too busy climbing up and sliding down the big slide in the big-kid playground.  I let her do this 8 times before I finally snatched her up at the bottom of the slide and made away with her.  She threw five full-on tantrums between her classroom and our car.

I think she likes her new school!

• Sami is doing extremely well at her new school, and is even eating the lunches I pack for her!
• I’ve lost eleven (11!) pounds since mid-january.  The first 4 without even realizing it.  I never considered one or two pounds significant progress before, however I am encouraged by every small step.
• Hillary Clinton won Texas and Ohio last night (more or less).  I was surprised to find myself feeling relieved about this, and also came to a concrete realization: I am not a fan of lofty rhetoric.
• I am so kicking this cold’s butt.  I’ll have my voice back, in full, soon.
• I had a good conversation with our Rabbi this morning.