Doing anything is better than thinking about “the right thing.”
I have a lot to post about from this weekend – but what’s on my mind right now is that one of my best friends lost her father yesterday due to complications following an invasive surgery. I can’t begin to comprehend her loss, and I want to help her but I don’t know what is “the right thing” to do.
So right now, while I obviously have my own responsibilities to tend to, many of my thoughts and a lot of my energy are with her.
I am at a complete loss for how to help her. She is with her family in LA right now, several hours away, so for now I’ve been available to talk whenever she’s needed, and I’ve helped with looking after her pets, apartment and car. I’m going to do whatever she needs while she is away, and take care of her however she needs me to when she gets back.
I’m trying not to focus on my complete lack of experience in this area or the ways in which I am completely inadequate to the task of helping my friend, and instead focusing on the concrete ways in which I can literally help my friend.
In her autobiography, My Life in France, Julia Child wrote that she told herself early on to always serve every dish she prepared with pride, even when it turned out completely off plan. To always do her best and never to apologize.
Everything I can do, I will do with love and without apology for the places I think I fail. I’m beginning to realize that death is enormous – there’s no one way to handle it, except one baby step at a time, over and over, by many people together.
This is where the rubber meets the road and actions speak louder than words.
For my friend’s father, alav ha-shalom. May peace be with him; he fought his body and time for many years. May peace also be with his family and children, including my friend.
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As someone who has been there, you’re doing exactly the right thing — useful, concrete things that don’t demand a lot of emotional energy to deal with. People saying “hey, is there someone to feed your cat” are *so* *much* *better* than people saying “but how do you *feel*”.
Kudos to you for being willing to help a friend, and extra for doing it in a way that doesn’t put another burden on that person.
I second Kate’s response.