The path to body acceptance.
I’ve returned to running – not just for fitness, but as some may know, I am training for the San Francisco (Half) Marathon.
I stopped running last fall, discouraged by a complete stall in my weight loss and then encouraged by the better weight loss results AFTER I reduced the amount of workout in my regimen. Recently, for reasons unrelated to anything but circumstance and emotion, I put back on a few pounds, and only just before deciding to run the SF Half had regained my focus and motivation.
It’s been more than a month now, running according to a training plan, and I am stunned to report that while I haven’t lost any substantial weight, the physical results are not only visible but pretty impressive. (Did you know I had abdominal muscles in there?)
As previously noted, the numbers on the scale crept upward. However, it was a momentary thing, for a period of adjustment. My body can do some pretty awesome stuff, things I never would have expected of it a few weeks ago, but that doesn’t change that on the inside I am still someone who is looking to get healthier and lose weight, and I’m accustomed to progress as charted by decreasing scale-weight.
I’m starting to see those results again, which is bracing; making it through the early weeks where I was receiving feedback that made me feel uncomfortable with myself, to arrive at the results that science, medicine and running-training conventional wisdom told me I should see with time is a worthwhile lesson for me to have learned.
The half-marathon is on July 26 – two months from now. That means regular training for the next two months. When I’m pushing out 14 mile training runs, I imagine that I will finish those days feeling quite accomplished. (I did a 7.75 mile run a few weekends ago on accident – made a wrong turn in an unfamiliar neighborhood – and was rather chuffed with myself.) However, when I put on my jeans and they are snugger than expected the next day, this sort of conflicting information is confusing and disappointing.
How do I resolve pride in my body’s functionality with dissatisfaction in its image?
Right now I’m resolving it with the knowledge that, with time, I will achieve my goals. With proper nutrition and an healthy willingness to rest as necessary, my body will perform the way I want it to. However, since I’ve prioritized my health and performance above my appearance for the purposes of this marathon, I have to accept that it may take me longer to get back into the clothes I really want to be wearing. That’s ok, because when I get there, I plan to stay a good long time.
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I have started to understand that my body acceptance is more closely tied to my sense of control over my behavior (related to fitness and diet) than it is to my actual weight.
I regard myself in basically the same way as I did 50lbs ago (vaguely unacceptable but cute in good lighting).
The question has been “am I thin enough?” when maybe it should be “am I making healthy choices and are my impulses under control?”. Always seems easier to ask if I am thin enough…. And the answer is always no.
it’s all a little crazy.
Beautiful post. It’s such a struggle when the scale doesn’t respond the way you’d like.
And super kudos to you for training for a marathon! I find with most of my friends who do such things, that the goal of a marathon is much better than the goal of a certain weight. As you wrote–you end up healthier and not losing muscle mass (which is good).
Enjoy the running!!