Just tonight I was trying to write about -one- little word I said to someone. One. And it wasn’t a bad one. In fact, the word was “sweetie”. Imagine that. A term of endearment has whipped my mind into a frenzy. In fact, I am tearing up at the alleged consequences of that one little word. Where are the consequences? In my head, of course. As I’m sure yours are.

I look at people, and think, god, those people are assholes/bitches/horrible and they have so many friends! For me, what it boils down to is confidence. They are who they are. They don’t worry about what others think of them.

So I work on confidence. And work to find that balance between being empathetic and being a doormat. Trust me, I tend toward the “Welcome” end of that spectrum, but I try.

Today, a friend and I disagreed about a song. (She loves it; I thought it was tripe.) We bickered back and forth for a while, there was some name calling, mocking, and general questioning of the other’s sanity, but at the end of it, we were still friends. This is a good day for me. I can’t say that everyday I could have a disagreement — minor such as this one — and feel confident that the other would still like me. But when I do have days like this, I hold on to them and say, look! It’s ok!

Somewhere along the line, we got told that we are to be perfect. Perfect is never disagreeing, always cheerful, always at ease, a good person, put others first, happily ever after. I’m not sure that’s true. I mean, people tell me all the time that isn’t true, but I’m not sure that -I- believe it yet.

So, no, by far, you are not the only person that thinks this way or struggles with it.

If it helps at all, I’m astonished that you struggle with this. I’m astonished that you question for even a second that you are a good person. Take one look at your kid if you ever need proof of your grace in this world.

Jen´s last blog post..I’m thinking too much

Someone once told me that although events may have an impact on us, we control how we choose to react to those events. That was hard to swallow. It made look at how I handle emotional events in a whole new way–effectively changing a major aspect of who I am. I empowered myself to choose how to react: rage, calm rationality (which is sometimes scarier than rage), nurturing, etc. It was hard to learn to stop and consciously decide how I want to react to an event. So, when I need to be angry, I am angry; when I need to be sad, I’m sad; when I need to be happy, I’m happy. For me, the best part is later not feeling bad about myself for my feelings. It is what it is. So long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, I think it’s fine to go through the emotions and thoughts that you need to in order to work through your reaction to an event.

Looking back at what I just wrote, it sounds so clinical. But I’m a creature of logic, and that’s what works for me. You, you are able to feel and experience so much more than I, so I expect that you will continue to have deeper more intense reactions to emotional events than I do. It’s who you are, and I very much appreciate that.

I hope these words help. I’m going to make that call now, and I hope I stick to my general plan of how I want to react and move forward from the event that caused my distress this week.

Take care of yourself.

Love you,
Di

So, I do torture myself. Far too often for my own health & sanity. I do it over my interactions with people, friends, etc, and wish I didn’t. I do it less than I used to. But, still do it. The other way I torture myself is to always be “fine.” I’m not always fine, and that’s the way it is. It’s not healthy to never acknowledge that you’re in pain. But, again, due to the circumstances in which I was raised, I do that. I always say “fine” even when I’m so far from fine, I can’t even see straight (see the story of my kitty from 2000).

I write this response not to tell you “you’re wrong” and I hope you don’t take it that way. I commiserate, and want you to know that you’re not alone. We are works in progress, this life is a journey. If we come back for another one after, I hope that we can keep some of this knowledge. But, I’m not sure how likely that is. I think we might forget it.
Love you, really.

noelle´s last blog post..thoughts and uncertainties…