The hardest part of love.
I’m sitting here on my sofa now, Alex is laying on the floor, on the sofa, standing and panting, half-heartedly considering destroying the last cardboard box I’ll ever give her.
I’ll be with her for the rest of her life, and it is so much shorter than I thought it would be.
She has to go now. She has a growth that requires surgery, and even to get to the point of surgery requires more consultations, more sedation, more fear and stress and hyperventilation, than I could ever ask her to endure just to keep on living with pain.
Even if we could make her 100% physically better (which we can’t) we can never take away the fear and paranoia that made her such a difficult dog to have in the first place. To put her through all the pain and stress of healing, only to be a) at best only partially successful and b) still just as fearful and skittish seems cruel.
It is selfish to keep her with us and let her pain get bigger every day. She is a stoic dog, she doesnt complain about pain until it’s excruciating, and every time she lies down now she is whimpering.
I know we are making the right decision, for all of the many right reasons, but then why does it feel so BAD?
I don’t want to say goodbye to my friend.
She was there for me at some times when no one else was. Before I knew I was pregnant, when I had the “stomach flu” I took Alex outside to pee, and before I could get back in the house I had to barf. I curled down on the lawn, and she sat next to me, not taking advantage of the perfect getaway time when I could easily have lost hold of her leash, and she sat there, licking the side of my head and helping me stand up when I was done.
She was home with me when Ben had to be traveling for business, so that I (and Sami, after Sami came) would not be alone.
I’m not just losing a pet. Not even just a difficult pet. She’s a family member who had problems and who taught me that you don’t just bury or ignore problems, but work through them as a family, and you don’t ever stop loving your family. No matter what.
Not even when you want more time to love them. Especially not when more time with them means more pain for them.
There are so many thoughts going through my head, I don’t know what else to write. I’m speechless and yet could go on for days about how hard and complicated and guilt ridden and compassionate and loving and terrible a place I’m in right now.
But her last thought will be about our happiness, about protecting us from everything she was afraid of, and so I’m going to make sure that I take away as much fear and pain as I can in the next 4 hours. It’s a pittance compared to the joy and love she’s given to us unconditionally (except for the occasional peanut butter matzo.)
I hope that whatever comes next for her, she is pain free and can finally truly rest.
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Doing this right thing hurts awfully because you’re a good-hearted person, and because you’re losing a friend, and because it’s hard to separate the ends from the means in a case like this. My heart goes out to you and family. I’m so, so sorry.
You’re making me cry… I felt the same way when my kitty in Seattle was put to sleep. I had to give him up, because his quality of life wasn’t good. In order to take out his tumor, we would have had to sedate him. In an aquarium. Not good or nice for any involved.
So, we chose the way that was the most humane, but that sucked the most for us. He was at peace, but damnit, that was hard.
I don’t envy you, but I send you love and big hugs from here. There are support groups online that I’ll send you – they were an amazing help to me.
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I’m really sorry Cheryl. When we get our pups, we are responsible for the quality of their lives – and in the end we also have the heavy responsibility to determine the quality of their deaths. It’s a sad thing to have to do, and my heart goes out to you and anyone who has to say goodbye to their sweet and loyal friends.
You and Alex are so lucky to have found each other. You are wonderful to care about not just her quality of life but also her dignity in death. But I am crying for you just the same.
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So sorry to hear about Alex. My heart goes out to you and your family, and to her. Hugs.