Motherhood really means letting go, letting your kid grow and change.
It started for me when Sami could finally crawl – she didn’t need me to get around any more. That was a small step, so joyful and not as bittersweet as the developments yet to come.
A month ago, Sami started sleeping in her own room. After an initial adjustment period, she sleeps better and I sleep better when we are in our own respective beds. I miss her a lot; at times it’s all I can do to keep myself from bunking down in the twin bed in her room, and when she wakes mid-night, nurse her back to sleep cuddled up. (Truth be told, when she wakes for her 4 AM feeding, sometimes I do fall asleep in there. But that isn’t by design, and I recognize that it’s not the best thing for separating our sleep habits.)
Letting go affords us both a better night’s sleep; hanging on lets me feel closer to my baby for a little bit longer. I’ve chosen letting go, because I think that’s what every mom must learn to do gracefully, and because I think it’s better for us both in the long run.
Besides, if I hang on to babyhood, how do I find out what comes next? Toddlerhood looks like it’s going to be pretty cool.
Going to day care and then preschool are next steps in her growth from a baby to a kid. While I’m wistful about the transition, it’s exciting to see her take off, form relationships with other kids, and ultimately to watch the ways in which she needs me change.
She eats real food; she doesn’t need to nurse all day long. She walks, and doesn’t want me to carry her (as much, anyway.) She expresses herself through babbling, gesturing and signs, and doesn’t need me to trial and error her needs any more. She’s turning into a real little person with not just personality (she’s had that all along) but her own unique ways of interacting with and conquering her world.
Letting her sleep in her own room, letting her to go to educational environments where she can play and learn with other kids, letting go so that her world gets a little bigger; this is all practice for the bigger steps I’ll have to take, like letting her go to the mall with her friends, letting her drive a car, letting her get her first job, go to college, move away from home.
I’m just thankful these changes all come in stages, and the stages go quickly. There isn’t time to mourn the last change before a new one is upon me.
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